


The Meaning of Farewells

by Shagouti



Category: The Witcher (TV), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Episode: s01e04 Of Banquets Bastards and Burials, Fluff, Geraskier Week, Light Angst, M/M, Pining, Pre-Slash, Realization, late entry for geraskier week
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-29
Updated: 2020-02-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:33:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22954144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shagouti/pseuds/Shagouti
Summary: "We part ways, bard. For good.""I saved your life, Jaskier. You're on your own now.""Fuck off, bard."It hurts to hear these words. Until it stops hurting.
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion
Comments: 5
Kudos: 224





	The Meaning of Farewells

**Author's Note:**

> A late entry for Geraskier Week. Day 5: Realisation.
> 
> English is not my first language and I'll be grateful to hear about any grammar mistakes etc!

The first time Geralt tells Jaskier to leave is after their first shared adventure, which Jaskier titles The Devil of Posada (and tactfully leaves out what actually happened with Filavandrel whenever he's retelling the tale). The farewell is polite enough, though it stings a bit when Geralt says that they are parting ways for good. 

Of course, it isn't truly for good. They run into each other soon enough. Meanwhile, Jaskier keeps singing about the witcher, and after a while, he notices people sometimes using The White Wolf instead of The Butcher of Blaviken when whispering about the witcher. If Geralt notices it, he doesn't comment, but he does let Jaskier tag along with him for a while, and Jaskier even witnesses some monster hunts. It's only drowners and such, nothing too special or dangerous, but Jaskier is awed nonetheless. Inspired, as well, producing several new songs to boost the witcher's public image. 

He's just gotten used to the downsides of travelling with the witcher - sleeping on the ground at Geralt's (maybe even their?) campsites, walking far beyond what he thought would be his limit, being on the road no matter how is the weather - when Geralt announces that it's time for him to continue on the Path alone. It doesn't sound as polite as the first time, and stings more, too. For a short while, Jaskier feels lost, unsure what to do. Of course, it wasn't very wise of him to let himself believe that sharing their travels was something more than a temporary arrangement, and deep down, he did know it's bound to end eventually. But he'd enjoyed basking in the illusion of sharing more than a few weeks of travels.

That goes on and on. They meet, surprisingly often considering the vastness of the Continent, though Jaskier aids it by listening to rumours about the witcher and planning his own travels accordingly. (He doesn't know that Geralt does the same, without really acknowledging it, convincing himself that he's only going after contracts.) Each time, Geralt tells him to leave, sometimes straight away, sometimes after some weeks or even months. Jaskier doesn't always listen to him. Most of the time he does, because he doesn't want Geralt to see the hurt and disappointment in his eyes. Sometimes he considers leaving on his own, telling Geralt he's needed at some ball or a wedding and going on with his own business. Somehow he still ends half-asking Geralt to come with him each time he is actually invited to perform somewhere. Once in a while, Geralt surprises him by agreeing.

Sometimes Jaskier thinks they're growing on each other. Geralt opens up a bit, or actually listens to his singing for a while without snarky comments, or stops at some inn for a night for Jaskier to rest even though the witcher himself doesn't really need the rest just yet. Jaskier knows that Geralt has become the most important person in his life, the only one he always wishes to return to. While he knows that Geralt doesn't feel the same way, he hopes that the witcher does appreciate his company to some extent. There are moments when he even dares to hope that Geralt actually cares for him. With each new meeting, that hope flares up a bit. With each parting, Jaskier falls apart for a while, spiralling into a void of insecurity and longing and self-loathing and hope and desperation and hopelessness and frustration. Of course, on the outside, he's still the same frolicking bard, singing and bedding new lovers without a single care. Only when he's alone, he allows himself to wallow in misery for a while, until he once again is forced to pull himself together.

Even despite the intense mixture of feelings, Jaskier really does not want to think about why he feels like that. Which is quite ironic, considering he's always going on about Geralt's emotional constipation and denial issues. It's not like he can really not think, though. But he does his best, explaining to himself that Geralt is his only true friend, that with Geralt's company comes safety, that Geralt brings him inspiration and sense of security. 

Then comes that selkiemore contract. Jaskier has travelled alone for a while, but he'd heard rumours about the aquatic monster, and the need for a witcher, and he knows that Geralt was in the south a month ago so probably he's not gone that far away and is quite likely to take the contract on. He arrives to hear that the witcher did indeed leave with one of the local men to dispatch the creature and is yet to come back. Eventually, the local comes back alone and starts spinning a tale about the witcher's battle with the selkiemore, and Jaskier can't help but grin with the heady excitement about the fact that he'll see Geralt again in a short while. It's easy to mask as excitement about the tale itself, even when he feels a sharp pang of concern when the man assures his audience about the witcher's death. The concern is short-lived, though, as Geralt bangs through the tavern's door, barely recognisable under the copious amounts of what's left of the selkiemore's gastrointestinal system. The joy of seeing Geralt again, the longing, the excitement, the concern, the feelings Jaskier doesn't want to name all burst out of him in a sudden laughter, and before he knows it, he's on his way to touch Geralt, pausing at the last moment as the stench brings him to his senses.

And then it just washes over Jaskier. How intense is the joy each time he meets Geralt. How desperate is his longing. How devastated he feels when Geralt no longer wants his company. How terrifying is the thought that maybe this time they really parted for good, maybe this was the last time Geralt tolerated his company. What does it mean, to feel that way about someone. The realisation is crushing.

Keeping a straight face is one of the most difficult things Jaskier has done in his life, but his performances aren't renowned without a reason. He does what he does best: talks. He's so shaken he doesn't even have it in him to properly hurt when Geralt promptly tells him to fuck off, instead just keeping on talking. He's so intent on avoiding the issue that he doesn't even immediately notice Geralt taking off, but when he does, the panic that surges through him is almost overwhelming. Thankfully, he manages to blurt out something that does make Geralt stop and turn in his tracks. (He doesn't know it's the hint of desperation in Jaskier's voice that makes the witcher come back to him.)

While Geralt's bath is prepared, Jaskier manages to calm himself down a little. Yes, he just had an earth-shattering realisation and practically doomed himself to a lifetime of hopeless pining, but there are things to do, and besides, this time he actually wanted to see Geralt for a reason (besides the usual, now obvious ones). 

Focusing on that reason allows him to hop back on the track of avoidance and denial, which, in turn, allows him to trail after Geralt when he goes to bathe. Which turns out not to be the best of ideas, with Geralt having absolutely no problems with his not-friend helping him wash himself. Thankfully, keeping the storming feelings carefully under wraps busies his mind enough to prevent enjoying the sight of naked Geralt in a way that would be too obvious. Still, he finds himself avoiding looking at Geralt too much, instead going on with more mindless blabbering. 

Somehow, the blabbering still manages to turn into a conversation way too serious for Jaskier's (and probably Geralt's, too) liking. His question about witchers' retirement is one of honest curiosity, with no hidden meanings. He's not entirely sure how he ends up basically asking Geralt if he would happen to want someone, and utterly horrifies himself by heavily implicating that that someone could be Jaskier himself. It's painful to hear Geralt saying that he doesn't want anyone, but when Geralt tells that the last thing he wants is someone needing him, the filter between Jaskier's impulsive brain and mouth gives in completely. "And yet, here we are" isn't the wisest thing to say to someone just telling they want to be alone, but Jaskier is shocked when he gets a firm, open gaze, a nod and even the tiniest of smiles in return.

Thankfully, Geralt himself changes the topic immediately, because Jaskier is honestly not equipped to deal with a situation like this and just keeps staring at Geralt over his bathwater. The turn in conversation allows him to gather his thoughts a bit yet again and save his face from complete embarrassment. He keeps himself busy enough by getting them both into their formal attire and preparing for the evening's performance by tuning his lute and singing some opening notes. He half hopes, half dreads to spend the night with Geralt near him, but that's soon replaced by half relief, half disappointment when Geralt is snatched away by some acquaintance of his immediately after their arrival. 

The relief is short-lived as he is cornered by an angry man accusing him of sleeping with his wife, and honestly, how does a man his height and complexion even manage to get a wife? Jaskier has no idea if the accusation is correct, after all, it's the women he looks at in bed and not their husbands. Turns out that Geralt is keeping an eye on him, as it doesn't take long for him to arrive and politely get Jaskier out of the situation. It's not that Jaskier actually enjoys being called a eunuch, but it is better than getting mauled by a jealous husband. He still feels compelled to complain to Geralt, if only to hide how embarrassingly relieved he is, and how embarrassingly happy about the fact that Geralt did actually pay attention to him.

And then comes the second earth-shattering realisation for the evening, right after Geralt tells that Jaskier's on his own now. Because Geralt smiles at him. An actual, honest, amused smile. (Jaskier is almost sure he imagines it, but he thinks he might have seen Geralt's gaze drop to his lips for half a second.) His mind immediately jumps to their earlier conversation, at how Geralt gave him a nod and a tiny smile, looking at him as intensely as now. And this time, Jaskier actually sees what Geralt is telling him with his expression. Because it's _fond_. It's amused, not only at the bard but also at Geralt himself, at his own words. Because Geralt _doesn't mean it_. Because to Geralt, telling Jaskier to fuck off, threatening to leave him, has become a joke at his own expense. Sometime along the way, Geralt started to mean it less and less, but never stopped saying it. He'd said it so many times, and still they always only parted ways temporarily, the witcher's words never carrying any true meaning. And Jaskier never caught on, until now. His head reels and he feels giddy with the revelation.

Queen Calanthe barging into the ballroom with a fanfare breaks their moment and gives Jaskier that odd mixture of relief, annoyance, regret and fear, and honestly, there's been too many feelings today, even for a bard. Still, he's pretty sure that he would have done something incredibly stupid like trying to kiss Geralt in the middle of the crowd if not for the timely interruption. Geralt steps away (though not far, he remains standing with a tankard in his hand, because _you're on your own now_ actually means the exact opposite, and isn't that amazing and wonderful) and Jaskier has to get his performance going.

It's one of Jaskier's best performances ever. He plays and plays and sings and sings, his fingers dancing masterfully over his lute strings, his voice filling the air. He's aware of Geralt listening, standing as close by as he can without bothering the musicians. Later, when Geralt is invited to sit at the queen's table, Jaskier catches the witcher watching him once in a while, and he even sees a flicker of that fond smile in his direction while Geralt is muttering something to the queen.

Of course, the evening goes to hell, but at least it gives Jaskier some amazing ballad material to work on. Hedgehog knights, hysterically screaming princesses with sudden magical powers, furious queens and Destiny would be perfectly enough, but Geralt decides to steal the show once again and manages to get himself a Child Surprise. He doesn't seem all that happy about it and storms away without even looking at Jaskier - to be fair, he doesn't look at anyone else, either - and it does sting a bit. After all, it's not that easy to let go of the old fears. But this time, Jaskier can smile despite the sting, because now he knows that Geralt never truly leaves, he just does his own thing, and sometimes he needs to be alone, but in the end, he always makes sure to find Jaskier again. 

This time, Jaskier doesn't try to extinguish the fluttering flicker of hope inside him.


End file.
